ORLANDO (AP) -- Like many people after a night of drinking, Howie Dorough fell asleep. Only he bedded down 25 feet up a tree. Firefighters failed to rouse the Backstreet Boy on Saturday, or get him down from the tree near the Tabu Club in Orlando. Finally, they brought in colleagues who specialize in cliff rescues. "He didn't wake up the whole time we were there, even when we used a line to lower him down to the ground, put him in a stretcher and took him to hospital," said fire service spokesman Stuart Guthrie. "It is the first time in my experience I have seen that and I have worked 34 years in the brigade," Guthrie said. Dorough, who was checked over at the Orlando General Hospital, said he couldn't remember leaving Tabu, "and I've got no idea how I got up that tree."

While on tour in Japan, AJ Mclean of the Backstreet Boys discovered a love for Mussels, the popular shellfish. When Mr. Mclean walked into a Japanese McDonalds and discovered they didn't sell any Mussels, he balked. What was he to do? Never go back to McDonald's again? Perish the thought. So he came up with a brillant idea. He convinced McDonald's that their competition was intensifying and they'd do good to start selling healthier foods if they were to keep their business. His first idea: A 12-piece McMussels basket. The item, now available at 627 restaurants in 12 mid-western cities, is available in 3 varieties - McMussels a la Ronald, McMussels McMarinara, and McMussels with cheese. "After embarrassing flops like the Arch Deluxe, and it's recent 55-cent promotion fiasco, McDonald's is desperately searching for a winner," says AJ Mclean. "And I believe this item is it." Fellow Backstreet Boy Nick Carter disagrees. "Mussels topped with melted cheese? Yeech! Is he out of his mind!" McDonalds was crazy to listen to AJ. This may go down as one of the biggest marketing blunders since New Coke."

(Los Angeles) In what the media is calling the first terrifying Internet Miracle, the horrific image of a naked Jay Leno mysteriously appeared Monday on a disgusting website titled: Thou_Shall_Not_Ignore.com. The horrific part of this was that Jay Leno, best known as the often not funny host of The Tonight Show (NBC, 11:30pm weekdays), is actually a woman! The image, which grossed out millions, shows Leno with breasts and other female body parts. The website, hosted with Geocities, is under the name Latinblonde. Further research pointed to the world-famous boyband The Backstreet Boys. Fans from all walks of blonde in California are proclaiming today that they heard Howie Dorough, 27 and Nick Carter, 21, of the band, threaten to expose Jay's dirty secret after he purposely refused to hug them, not to mention totally dissing Howie during the interview, on their March 16th Tonight Show appearance. "He's prejudiced against short men!" Howie cried in outrage, while bandmate Carter whined, "I want my damn hug!" Brian Littrell, the holier-than-thou member of the band, was distressed to learn of his bandmates participation in this sinful website. In an attempt to make his friends look good again in the eyes of the Lord, the spot in cyberspace once made residence by the the naked Jay(na) Leno has been taken over by the image of Disney's lovable quack: DONALD DUCK. Leno, who had threatened to sue the boyband, instead has taken Littrell under his wing. The two have spent many hours in Jay(na)'s private dressing room. Jay(na) claims that (s)he's training young Littrell to replace him as host of The Tonight Show in 2029, but fans wonder... Littrell's wife, actress-still-in-training Leighanne Littrell, could not be reached for comment.

A quiet fan conference in Houston, Texas yesterday turned into a semi-disaster when 25 year old Stacy from Houston got up and asked the Boys her burning question, "Your adult fans wanna know, are you all circumsized, and if you aren't, does it make sex more pleasurable?" The room was filled with a deadly silence. The younger fans looked at Stacy in disgust. It took the Boys a few minutes to realize that Stacy was serious. AJ tried not to laugh while Nick grabbed the side of his neck in nervousness. "Care to repeat that?" Kevin asked, trying not to let his anger show. "Are you all circumsized?" Stacy repeated, looking at Kevin defiantly, daring him to tell her off. AJ cleared his throat. "That's gotta be the funniest question we've ever been asked. My answer is yes, I am. As for making sex more pleasurable, I got the goods so I ain't worried that the ladies will need an extra piece of skin." "What about you, Rok?" AJ looked at the man to his left. "Uh...." Brian went slightly red. "I dunno. Lemme go ask my fiancee." He got up and ran from the room. "Howie?" Stacy asked. "I...I'm not sure. I need to call my mother. But I assume that I am, I would have noticed some extra skin down there, wouldn't I? And, I mean, I'm Catholic and all Catholics are circumsized, aren't they? Does it really make sex more pleasurable for the women if we aren't? Cause you know, maybe there's a reversible operation..." he rambled on. The women in the audience started laughing and Stacy looked at Nick. "Nick, you're too quiet. What about you?" Nick went beet red and looked down at his hands. "That's personal. But good question though." Kevin looked at the host. "Anyone else have a question?"
"Oh no no, Kevin, you didn't answer me," Stacy said, arms crossed. "I don't think I have to," Kevin replied, glaring at her. "Well then why don't you answer this -- are any of you fairies? Ever been together?" Kevin slammed his hands down on the table and stood up. "SOMEBODY GET HER OUTTA HERE!!!!!"

Spectators at the Superbowl 34 in Atlanta looked on in shock when, during the half-time show, a large, white thing, believed to be a human of some sort, was dropped-kicked through the goal posts by players of the St-Louis Rams. As the huge ball of flab flew through the air, all that could be heard was, "I'll destroy you all if it's the last thing I do!" Police were on the scene quickly, interviewing the players and demanding the reasoning behind their strange behavior. Officer Steve Foxworthy tells us the story: The players removed their football helmets and smiled in unison. Their leader, a 6'1 quarterback named Richardson, smirked smugly. "It had to be done officers. This...uh..thing...had to...be...taught...a lesson." He spoke slowly as if English was an alien language. "Who exactly was that?" one of the other officers asked. "That," replied a hoodlum wannabe who's jersey read Fat-tone, "was The Fat Bastard." "He had to be taught a lesson," added a tall, young blond who's roots needed a good dye job. "He swindled us out of a lot of money," put in a dark-haired lad named Chasez. His finely chiseled features made him look too much like a pretty boy.Jail would eat him alive. One officer shook his head. "That's no reason to hurt the man." A short man with latin looks ran forward. "He's not a nice man," he said, trying not to sound mean. "He slept with my girlfriend Britney!" The voice belonged to 19 year old Justin Timberflake. The officers were astounded. "You're telling me that lard ass, er..we mean, this person you just kicked out there, slept with Miss Spears?" The officers cringed in disgust. They glanced at Lassie Bass, who was busy batting his eyelashes at one of the officers. "We can understand if it were him." They laughed. "I got somethin' important to say." A man named Kirkpatrick stepped forward. "I can't play football to save my life." The officers laughed. "And we would care because?" came the sarcastic comeback. "You may want to arrest him when you hear this officers." said a puny, white man with a receding hairline. "Let me guess, he slept with your girlfriend?" The officer laughed. "No," said tattoo man. "He's creating a boyband TV show."
"A BOY BAND TV SHOW??!!" The officers' faces scrunched up in terror. "NO NO NO! NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!" They ran out of the dressing room and out onto the field. Perlman was sitting on the grass, still huffing and puffing. He glanced at the officers as they approached. "Officers, thank God. I want you to arrest those..hey...HEY! What are you doing? Stop it!" He felt himself being hoisted in the air. "Officers...no...what the fuck are you doing?AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" For the second time that night, The Fat Bastard flew through the air as the the BSBs and N Sync took the stage to sing a combined version of "Don't Want You Back So Please Go Bye Bye Bye."

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