Survey

The Boys take a Survey

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1. What's the most horrible way to die?

AJ: Well, I'd say any death caused by a clown (or character thereof) is bound to be horrible.
Brian: Not to wax philosophical or anything, but are there any GOOD ways to die? I mean, really...
Howie: I wouldn't wanna die without warning. I mean, what if I'm in the process of drying my hair and I drop dead? Especially if it happens pre-mousse. Heaven forbid someone sticks me in a coffin looking like a chia pet. I'd die ... again.
Kevin: Cancer moron.
Nick: They're all horrible! I'm never gonna die. Period.

2. If you were stuck in the woods in the middle of Alaska in January, being hunted by a bad-ass grizzly bear named Zeus, how would you fend him off?

AJ: Mountain Dew and a harmonica.
Brian: Prayer.
Howie: Hairspray in the eyes.
Kevin: I'd try to talk to him.
Nick: I wouldn't be in the middle of Alaska in January. Do I look stupid to you?

3. A philosophical question: when you find something you've been missing, why is it always in the last place you look?

AJ: Because I'm an unlucky person.
Brian: Because God willed it that way.
Howie: Ask my mom. She finds everything for me.
Kevin: Because I stop looking once I find it.
Nick: Because I'm not stupid enough to keep looking once I find it.

4. What is the length of your family jewels?

AJ: Above average but I lie a lot.
Brian: None of your business.
Howie: I don't know but it's a handful.
Kevin: Nine Inches (aka "Fan Fiction Writer Size").
Nick: That's why they made the term no comment.

5. Your parents ask you to watch their dog while they're out of town. Muffy is your mother's pride and joy. While they're away, you go away for a couple of days and forget about the dog. Poor Muffy dies. What do you do?

AJ: I'd replace the dog with a similar one and hope that mom won't notice.
Brian: I'd take the dog to a taxidermist to immortalize it. Mom would like that. Mom would never get mad at me.
Howie: I'd never babysit a dog. I don't want hair all over my impeccable condo. Not to mention my clothes.
Kevin: Bury it in the backyard and say it ran away. What? It could work!
Nick: I'd burn the house down in a fit of rage, and when mama asked, it was Muffy who did it, Muffy, that little bitch. She always liked that dog better than me! Just cause Muffy could do tricks! Big fuckin' deal.

6. How do you feel about pornographic films?

AJ: I think I've starred in one, thanks to my ex Marissa. That money hungry witch!
Brian: Absolutely disgusting.
Howie: Naked women doing other naked women... sorry what was the question?
Kevin: They're arousing. I can see Nick's loins quivering in anticipation.
Nick: Spectravision rules.

7. What does "vulnerable" mean?

AJ: Being alone in a room tied to a chair with clowns surrounding me.
Brian: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Howie: Feeling like someone is always watching me. Wait -- you're watching me. Ok, I feel really vulnerable right now.
Kevin: Going on stage in a skirt. But dayam I look good!
Nick: Playing ball without a cup.

8. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?

AJ: When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs.
Brian: It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody--and we are not naming names, but this would be his wife--is quietly trying to discard his underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than with her.
Howie: When mom won't wash 'em anymore.
Kevin: When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.
Nick: When the tire tracks won't wash out no more.

9. What is the one of the greatest inventions?

AJ: Tattoo artists.
Brian: Religion.
Howie: Hair products.
Kevin: The man skirt.
Nick: The remote control.

10. Finish this sentence: Because I'm a guy...

AJ: Because I'm a guy, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex or tattoos. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't.
Brian: Because I'm a guy, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk, or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "Cumin" or "Tofu." For all I know these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.
Howie: Because I'm a guy and this is, after all, a new millennium, I will share equally in the housework. You do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, and the dishes. I'll do the rest.
Kevin: Because I'm a guy, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in. Oh, and when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another guy shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer.
Nick: Because I'm a guy, when I catch a cold, which happens a lot, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue.

11. Describe what you feel the term "making love" means for you:

AJ: Just a nice way of saying let's fuck!
Brian: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Howie: Something to do when you get married. I'll never make love.
Kevin: Women's term for monkey love (hot raunchy sex!).
Nick: What men have to call "boinking" to get women to boink.

12. Do you know what "flatulence" means?

AJ: To fart man! Can't you hear me?
Brian: Something I wish Nick would do somewhere else.
Howie: Of course I know what it means. I'm a singer not a moron.
Kevin: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Nick: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.