"I don't care who you are, where you're from, what you did, as long as you love me." Yes that's true. Your fans don't care about that you're a Backstreet Boy (really they don't :P), they don't care that your from the land of the squirrel-eaters (just don't expect them to feast on Pot 'o Squirrel with you), and as for what you did, getting married isn't the end of the world (so some fans left their hubbies for you...no biggie). But they do care about what happens to you and when you go from a red-hot-babe-People's-Sexiest-Pop-Star-1999-stud to a long-haired-hair-looks-like-it-hasn't-been-washed-in-a-week-skirt-wearing-hippie-wannabe-wishing-it-were-still-the-1960s-FREAK. Oh do they care. I've put together a list of things you need to take into consideration:

1. The Hair
We cannot get over THE HAIR. THE HAIR has become a topic of choice on websites, lists, chatrooms, messageboards, you name it and THE HAIR is talked about. We loved the short, spiky/messy "just got fucked" (or "just got out of bed" for you young'uns) look. It made women want you, made them wet their panties. They'd send their boyfriends and hubbies to the barber for the the "Kevin Richardson" (the male version of the popular Jennifer Aniston a few years back). What happened man? Do the words WE ARE NOT IN THE 60s mean anything to you? Hippie went out with the Brady Bunch. Dude, even the former Monkees are laughing at you. Those sideburns (or whatever you call those hairy, pointy things that hang besides your ears) are reminiscent of Dr. Spock. I know you like Austin Powers and wanna be just like him, but there's only one Austin Powers. Please, cut the hair, and while you're at it, wash it -- a few times. Just think of all those barbers out there who are losing money because girlfriends/wives are leaving/divorcing the long-haired hippie they're with. It's sad -- very sad. All this over some hair.

2. The Clothing
"Was that a SKIRT Kevin was wearing?" Same as THE HAIR topic, THE SKIRT was a popular topic after Men Strike Back aired in April & May (and for the record, it's STRIKE, not STRIKES, you weren't hosting a Star Wars special). You said in an interview that you wore the skirt for spiritual purposes. I didn't realize skirts were a part of spirituality. You're not fooling your fans, Kevin. This isn't Scotland and you're not Keltic. First the skirt, now the "pretty" top that you wore on your homeymoon. You're scaring your fans. You just got married TO A WOMAN. Don't you think your role should be that of the MAN? Let's move on to the sandals. I got a letter from the head of the Hare Krishnas. He said that the Hare Krishnas around the world are pissed that you've taken something as precious as their sandals (they use them for spirituality, you know) and turned them into a Backstreet Boy fashion accessory (Brian & Nick were both spotted wearing them, too....Aahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!). Please, let's lose the skirt and sandals -- while you're at it, you can drop the boxers.

3. The Fantasy Man
You were once the fantasy man of choice. Hundreds of BSB fanfic writers used you as the ideal man in their sex-filled fantasies. Everything about you cried STUD. You could've been the one gleaming the covers of Harlequin Romance novels -- the Fabio of the Millennium. Not anymore. Writers everywhere are crying. They have no more fantasy man. What's going to happen to their stories? Who will replace you? The BSB Fanfic world as we know it is going to come crashing down and all because you don't have the deceny to look hot anymore. Is it so hard to just roll out of bed and look hot? You did it for how many years? You'll be looking for a new job soon. I hear "Yes We're Hippie & Hare and Proud of It" magazine is looking for a model. Call 1-800-yes-2skirts.

4. So They Lied
You're a Backstreet Boy (for now anyway) and all your fans love you for your music. They love to listen to you sing, play the piano, and watch you schwing your thing on stage. But most of all, they love to LOOK AT YOU. It's time we faced facts. You were a hot commodity because of your muscular *we could bounce a rock off those abs* body, tanned complexion, sultry green fuck-me eyes, and sex-appeal coming out the wazoo. Tyra once referred to you as a scalding-hot piece of prime grade A Beef. Truly fuckable. Is this what you wanted, not to have women look at you with lust in their eyes anymore? Are you afraid that you may give in to your inner cravings and take *it* down from where you hung *it* up? Don't be afraid, your fans realize that you're a married man now. They won't try to seduce you with their barely-covered assets from the front row of a concert. They just want you to fulfill their fantasies. When they're horny & alone, they need the image of a fuckable Kevin to get them through the night.

5. What About the Others?
There are four enticing Backstreet Boys left. Four Boys to feed the hungry eyes of millions of fans around the world. Howie, poor Howie whom so many fans dissed at one point, has suddenly shot up on the food chain. I see it everywhere...former Kevin fans now Howie fans. The Howie fans, the ones that have loved him from day one, are outraged. They don't want to share their Howie with the new fans who don't appreciate him the way they do and just treat him as a replacement for the other dark-haired Backstreet Boy gone awry. Then there's Nick. The ones that haven't gone to Howie are suddenly noticing Nick. "Baby Nicky is not a baby anymore." THE BUCK STOPS HERE BUDDY BOY. Nick has enough fans DAMMIT. Can I take a moment to be selfish? Not only do I have to share Nick (or so I pretend) with other women, but also with thousands of pre-pubescent little girls. Enough is enough man. Nick doesn't need more fans pawing him. Let us not forget my poor Kevin-lovin' friends. Jenn can't even say your name unless she puts Pod in front of it. Loreto just shakes her head in dismay while eyeing that dark-haired hunk Shane from Westlife, and Tyra says that this is just a sad imitation of the lean, mean Kentucky sex machine you used to be. If you don't do something about yourself soon, I'm going to go down to Florida and personally take some shears to your head. I won't be responsible if you end up looking like AJ. Then again, since you're used to feminine attire, you can always wear pantyhose on your head.

There you have it. The five reasons why we need the REAL KEVIN to come back. Perhaps you really are locked in a cabin somewhere. Revenge of the Pod People. Pod Kevin has taken over the world and meanwhile you're tied up, unable to move, watching Austin Powers on replay, your hair growing longer and longer. Just imagine what kind of HORRIBLE ideas this'll put into that sexy, short, spiked head of hair?

The only bright star in a sky of doom.......... Pod Kevin is the one who got married. So technically the real Kevin Richardson is still up for grabs. Tyra, Loreto, and Jenn have taken it upon themselves to find Kevin and bring him back to his fans. Never fear, one day soon we will see the REAL KEVIN on stage again, crooning "Baby, I know you're hurting (lusty green fuck-me eyes flashing at the fans). I'm sorry I went away and left this pod in my place, but now I'm back and I want you to know that I'm the real Kevin Richardson (opens shirt and shows off that tanned bod). No diggity."

Marie-Alicia